Faded Glitters

#9 Are they Dreams or Nightmares?

I saw that dream again. Roaming in the streets which I have abandoned after my marriage failed.

It’s funny that we never know when’s the last time we are visiting a place. Unless, dreams count. They have their own memory. I think maybe I lay awake till 3am because I don’t want to sleep. I don’t want to have a feeling that maybe, some part of me misses the life I had in that city with him.

When Billie Eilish sang, ‘You made me hate this city‘, I felt it to the bottom of my heart. Sometimes I think if I will go back there. Because those cities were gorgeous. Or maybe because no matter if alone or in my loneliness, I still walked those streets and lived a life that I may not live again. It is sad that when I saw that beautiful tower that everyone dreams to visit, I saw it with tears in my eyes and a broken soul – far away from my loved ones.

I remember how alone I felt, whilst being in a relationship. I remember walking alone on empty roads in dark nights. I remember the feeling of loneliness. Guess I got habitual to the feeling, because now it’s harder to let anyone close. In fact, it feels unnatural. As he made me learn to be happy, just in my own company.

#8 You Do You

Well, for most of us, this may sound weird. I do me? oh yeah, I do do me because I have no one else. Thanks for reminding. As this phrase, “You do you”, is written on my t-shirt and that too on the one I wear for night-time, it surely brings a lot of attention when I am on a video call.

But, really it isn’t at all about that.

It is about how we should do what we feel like. Staying in touch with our emotions isn’t all bad. However, there are times when the mind yells at you for feeling the wrong way or doing the ‘wrong’ thing. In those cases, it gets tough to not be pissed at ourselves, right?

I remember when I first started a blog on Blogspot 10 years ago, I wrote things like – Do what your heart says, when actually in an ideal world – it is exactly what lands us in trouble.

Studies suggest that those who follow their head in career decisions have 13% higher salaries? And, 16% regretted their career decisions they made by their heart?

Apparently, follow-your-heart isn’t the right call. However, I feel we are talking about the tangible success here. What about the scenario of you being happy? You may have extra bucks in your hand, or you may be married to a guy with a Porsche, but is it at all happiness?

Believe it or not, we all are fragmented differently and will make different decisions. The bad part is when we make a decision and ruin it with our overthinking. Or when we look back, per se. So why not we should indeed follow the – You Do You. You do what you feel you should, be it either following the head or the heart, and then let’s not look back.

# 7 Sorry, not sorry

Once you are in a guilt trip, it is easy to be sorry to just anyone. So many times in our conversations with people, we say “Sorry”, just to not aggravate the situation. Just to let it slide under the mat so there are no drama to deal with. But, where does it lead you?

Did you know that over-apologizing is a sign of anxiety as well?
Studies have shown that especially women have the habit of using the term- Sorry, in order to cope up to situations. Well, they are raised to be considerate of other people’s emotions more than guys ever are. Or maybe, some women are just manufactured a way that they are sensitive to other’s feelings. Even if they are not at fault, without realizing the someone else is doing them wrong, they say it.

There are other situations in people’s lives too when they end up apologizing. Instead of addressing the fear of situation, or for not having the courage to stand your ground, you end up apologizing. Claim a person mentally harassing another over a certain act of a person, which was unintentional, out of the fear to be tortured more they try to cover it by apologizing. In the end, where would it take you, anyways?

It is funny that we usually see the clever ones having a sorted life and the sensitive ones just falling apart, day after day.Maybe it is time for many of us, to take back that word and never use it. Maybe it is time that we apologize and forgive only ourselves for letting others feel that they are the ones who were wrong. Am not asking you to victimize yourself, or stop realizing your faults when you hurt someone, but am asking you to take a minute before you end up typing or speaking the word – ‘Sorry‘. Stand your ground, when you did what was best for you. And that’s okay.

#6 Does it haunt you forever?

What should one do when they feel that everything is falling apart? Moreover, how are we supposed to react when it all seems to be our own creation. Our own Fault.

I understand that people make mistakes and they are not intentional, but what if you feel stuck in a rut of a negative spiral? That every friendship is tumbling down, every relationship is falling apart and every person that you ever cared for is going far away from you. And why? Because of what you did.

How are we supposed to come back from our mistakes that pit us deep into the grounds? Like you are in bottom of a pit and nobody is there to rescue you.

Want to know how I react? I start running away from people even more. This mood that I can never control flickers more and is trapped into the self-sabotage that I cannot get rid of. Not only do I hurt the people who care about me, but I hurt myself. I don’t feel ready for taking serious steps in the right direction and I only push people away. I push them, the more I want to hold onto them. At time I force myself to be with them only to run away even faster.

I don’t know when the wind shall change its direction, because it looks like it is going to take me nowhere but exactly where I fear the most – Loneliness.

#5 Are you a Mediocre?

Would you call yourself a mediocre, if all your life you haven’t really excelled in things? And why? Maybe because you left them in the middle?

Trying to be the “Jack of all trades“, we often end up being, “master of none”, isn’t it? Perseverance is an essential element required for success. If not hard work, it is most definitely consistency. But in the age of attention-deficit individuals, no one has the time to stick to thing that they actually enjoy. Take my example per se, years ago I decided to write a book, which is still pending. Why? Because I didn’t feel that it has a story that good enough and what is the point in publishing something that you yourself are not sure about.

Then, I lost all my motivation. I started blogs, where I wasn’t consistent. Be it a course, writing a journal or playing a ukulele.

I know it gives me a rating in my resume as someone who has a lot of hobbies, but what about focusing on one single talent, eh? Does my habit of not sticking to one activity, reflects on my dating behavior as well.? Is that the reason why I never stuck to a career as well.? Now that am completing my MBA, am thinking of moving to another country in one or two years. Not that I planned it, but I have “another change” in store for me. Stuck in a rut of drama or changes? Maybe in a bid to live a full life, I’ll remain a mediocre. Or maybe, that’s just how it should be.

#4 Block or not to Block?

Block or not block ex. Am sure this thought has ran through the minds of almost all of us. What if blocking means running away? In the puddle of Insta lives and stories, one tends to wonder what it means to block someone.

It’s been 2 and a half years that I left my ex-husband, but when I saw his snap with his new and pregnant wife, I couldn’t help but press that block button. Even though I wasn’t following him, I realized how I still visit his profile to check what his life has been up to. I was the one who decided to take that leap of faith with divorce due to his cheatings and emotional abuses and instability of it all, but when the glass looks so shiny from outside – I couldn’t help but wonder if there was something to regret.

I had flipped and the pile of emotions were so strong that they affected me for the next two days. So much that I ended up opening this blog, so I could unveil my musings in a safe space. Where people could hear me out, yet not know who I am, Sort of therapy, maybe?

Now one might ask that why now? I could have blocked him out of my social media platforms so long ago. To them, I would like to say – “Block” from my side seemed like I was running away from them, or that I was weak. I never wanted to showcase it. Ironically, now if they even get the hunch – which I know he must because he did try reaching me out there a few times – he would think, “Oh! She hasn’t moved on.” The fact that I am writing this blog, may mean that I haven’t moved on indeed. Although, this is the life of my choosing. I chose to step out of an unhappy relationship. However, I do wonder if that unhappiness was a fault of my own? Could that be? That I just never knew how to be happy or that I was too sensitive?

As I put the words out front, I do realize that this isn’t how one is supposed to feel. I have chosen to have a working life, to have a career, to not have kids when am mere 25, and to settle with a person who is there for me at the end of the day. But If I keep him blocked, is it that I am running away from something that has been a part of my life. Or is it abso-fucking-lutely necessary?

#3 Why are you so funny?

It is good to crack jokes. The sound of a chuckle because you told something hilarious, sure does make you feel on top of the world. But did you ever stop to wonder, that why? Why do you get the incessant urge to make someone laugh?

Is it really the urge to escape the reality? Or are you hiding away from not letting people know about the broken pieces inside of you. Otherwise, why have I observed that people with a disturbed past are usually funnier. I learned the quirky side, from a high school boyfriend. He had lost his father when he was barely 12. I don’t recall him being hilarious prior to that age. Suddenly, he had shifted to dirty jokes to make his peers laugh out loud. Oh yeah, even the jokes that were too dirty for his age.

Maybe it’s true that – “Humor comes from pain.”

However, it is also well-known that laughter is the best medicine. That it is the remedy to all evils of the world. Even scientific studies have proved for the notion to be true. Although I am unsure if it is a good way to cope with your mental health. To me, it feels like a shift from real emotions.

I like making people laugh or coming out as the “funny” girl, where as am sure many take me as “silly” or “dumb” coz of the poor quality of jokes. They still laugh though, alright! In the pandemic, my supposedly-quirky conversations are even on WhatsApp, just to make people laugh. Yet at the end of the day, I feel numb. Well, most of the times. If comedy was a remedy, I should have felt better. Isn’t it? I couldn’t help but wonder, that maybe I should stop hiding behind the façade of humor. But maybe, it’s now a part of me.

What do you think? Let me know in the comments.

#2 Everything Happens for a “Reason”, Really?

When your husband cheats on you, it is tough to adjust with the well-known quote that “everything happens for a reason”. Adjust? Are you kidding me? Who will even think of it when something bad happens to them. They only admit the phrase when a good comes out of it. Like oh, that man had a blister in his foot so he got late the day his office in World Trade Center came crashing down. The blister was lucky for him.

What rubbish! What rubbish is the world feeding us. No matter how hard you try to stay positive, you cannot always find the silver lining. It is generally better to accept the fact that – Mate, life is crap. And the social media is just serving us shit in our heads. With the daily quotes coming in my feed, am beginning to get enough of it.

It is fun to share my own sweet stories and posts, but the exploration section of Instagram is a big ick. People do bad deeds all their life and still get to live a life that they want to. How is that possible? How is it possible that Taliban has acquired Afghanistan, if everything happened for a reason?

Why I, and many others like me got cheated on when they were nothing but innocent hearts. Why are human beings so messed up? Why I choose to leave the person who apparently loves me the most? Would I ever have the answers for it? Don’t feed me positivity when really it’s all nuisance to force yourself feel a certain way – happy.

Everyone wants to be happy, but maybe it’s easier to stop pretending and just be sad and hopeless. Because everything doesn’t happen for a reason. Most of our life is just pure consequence to our right or wrong choices. Everything happens because of destiny. At best.

#1 I Don’t Know

For how long have we told ourselves – “I don’t know what I want in my life.” Maybe it is used the most when we are in our 20s. Everyone around us seems to have it all figured out, yet some of us still remain confused between what we are expected to do and what we really want.

When Pink Floyd said –

Do you think you can tell, heaven from hell?

It resonated with most of us. It resonated within me. I don’t know if I make the right decisions in life. The impulsiveness takes the bitter part of me. When I think I know, I am still wrong. I choose the wrong guy, I take the wrong road. When I do think I am headed the right way, I bail. It is tough for people like me to figure out. There are so many dreams after all. And so many things to understand.

Adulting seems to be tough. It’s tougher to breathe at some days. Like your soul has left your body. You cannot sleep. Or maybe you don’t even want to. You realize that you like being in the dark, sulking by yourself. What’s next then? What is it? So used to the feeling that it’s tough to let it leave your body. The Emptiness – that’s your friend.