#20 Do you remember?

What it is to love someone with all your heart and selflessness. Maybe I never felt it. I do remember being head over heels, and the feeling of not being able to drag my feet – but I don’t remember how it felt. The fear even stops me from experiencing it again. The fear of me having to pick myself again from the broken pieces.

Was it love? Now I doubt. After all, they all told me when I was trying to move on – that one day I’ll wake up and not feel the pain. Now the day that it is, I don’t feel anything indeed. Years after the story ended.

Dated in and out – but there was always something missing. Which never was when I think I might have felt it. So, I wonder – oh so much – would I be ever reminded of what it is to be all in. When I could take a risk. Oh! How lovely the days were when I was open and I knew I will find it.

I am happy, no doubt. I am whole as the world always asks of us. But are we really complete – without caring about this other person who is not related?

#19 Fear of Intimacy

Not so much intimacy, but the rational fear of coming in between two people. Can that also develop?

Be it getting acquainted well with fiancée of a cousin, thinking that I don’t ruin their relationship in some way, or what if they fight for something I did as I am his sister and, she is well new to the family. Can these fears also develop with time?

It is not just intimacy. That one might be whole other level. Either I have screwed up things a lot in my past that I have meddled in people’s lives even when I didn’t want to. Friendships have been bad, or a friend has felt bad over me being close to someone they are close to. A lot happens in the course of the years of social stigma.

Maybe I overthink. I think these fears are rooted in past experiences. Sometimes we ourselves don’t know why we think about everything twice. It isn’t a bad thing but still— too much of a restriction to our craziness. Craziness does ruin lives after all, doesn’t it?

It was only a comment, you’ll say but what if it hurts someone and bang on – Fights! Am I indeed a destructive person? Breaking my relations, ruining other friendships and what not –on the way to live. Maybe it’s just fate.

This intimacy or fear has only led me stay distant to people. Overall. Even when I try to be close, or meet a bunch of people regularly, there is this feeling that it will get ruined in some way or the other. That we’ll get “too close”, which will impact someone. We’ll be “too much of ourselves” in an equation that doesn’t require it.

Maybe, this is all a blabber to you — but I couldn’t help but wonder, how — how will I ever get rid of this fear. Have you got any advice, sire?

#18 Kiss that Never Happened

We have known each other for far too long. We are friends since childhood, and we can’t risk losing this tight bond.

From being neighbors to friends in different countries, we have seen a lot of parts in each other’s lives. We have seen us go through turmoils and relationships. And thank God, we have stayed friends, maybe coz of the relationship that never happened.

We had the spark, and we both know it. It was visible in his eyes when I was getting hitched to someone else. It was visible in my eyes when I was seeing him for the last time before he moved to another country. We were almost about to kiss, although it was only a peck on the cheek that I was giving. And I did. I was emotional, and I knew I’d miss you.

When back in college, we thought that we should give ourselves a try, we didn’t. Because who wants to lose a friendship like this? That has existed since childhood. Why to ruin your best memories by turning it into failed relationship. Right?

But till now I wonder, how would it have been like to kiss you. Yes, the idea of relationship is fearful as we both know each other in and out, and yes, we may never work out. BUT, WHAT ABOUT THE KISS, the kiss that never happened. Would it have been magical?

#17 Hard to Let GO

It is hard to let go of a belief, isn’t it? The belief of knowing that you will end up with this one person. The belief that one day they’ll come back into your life and mend your heart. Even when you don’t realize that they haven’t been there when you wanted them to be.

Movies have always approved of the toxicity of relationships. When the long lost person returns to the woman’s life or if he keeps coming back time to time – he turns out to be the perfect one. The notion of “what is meant to be – will be”. This notion only makes you suffer, in the hope of return. You wait. You wait until, well, you cannot.

It is hard to let go of the theories you have built in your mind. Forcing some people into your lives, whereas only those shall stay who were never really slipping away in the first place. But still, somehow, it’s hard to let go when you know it is still the right thing to do.

Maybe however, it’s time to acknowledge that you have to let go of a phase, or of bitter memories. You have to stop hurting yourself. Sometimes in life you have to let go of trying to prove others wrong. If someone in your life has belittled you and you have taken it as a challenge – well, then good for you , but you have to let go of the hurt that it has caused. You don’t have to prove yourself to anyone, you only have to be you.

#16 Placed

I would like to share with my fellow readers that I got placed in an MNC, and the major part of my MBA journey is now over.

The wind has turned and I feel positivity in my bones, and feel closer to GOD, or the presence in the higher power. What you sometimes dream of, you indeed get it. It is a time to relax and sip coffee and not be anxious.

As my birthday approaches this September, I hope I have a change in mind set and stay positive by seeing all the good that life has offered me. I hope you all see the good parts in your life too.

#NoMoreAnxities about career. At least! The n number of treats and wishes I got from my friends was also overwhelming and made me feel refreshing and happy. I hope to remember this moment, forever.

#15 Memories

I binge watched the episodes of Money Heist, and couldn’t help but wonder – Do we ever really think twice about the happy memories?

Sometimes we are so busy chasing the things we want in our lives that we often do not look at our happy memories with a good feeling. Especially if those moments have been stolen away from us. When I look back, it is easier for me to recall all the bad stuff that ever occurred. It takes me a long time to think of the good times. Does this mean I never had them? Maybe. But most probably not. It is just I have always lived the happy moments and never thought about them, the second time. It is also about not having to deal with the remorse of those times, no longer being a part of me. Because missing something would mean, that it is no longer with me – and that’s pain.

But rather you and I, both should be happy. Happy that we have lived many lives. That we have smiled, laughed and cheered with our friends – even if they are no longer a part of us. It is our lives that we have lived. Memories that must be cherished. They are the ones you have to look back to. And if, you don’t have them yet — it’s time to start living. Live many lives.

#14 Dating, is it?

Just after a random conversation, a friend of mine from college asked if we should date. It shocked me, as I never thought that way, for him. He recently became a good friend, but I never expected that he might feel a certain way.

Dating- a thought that shakes me a bit. I never feel ready to say a yes. To leave my single life in a jiffy and set myself on a mode to deal with the consequences of a relationship. That’s what exactly my past has led me too.

Sometimes I think I expect myself to feel a way, which I may never. I am never going to get that rush in my mind on seeing the text of that someone, is it? The only time I think I was in love, was when I changed my passwords to his name. When talking to him at the end of the day, made my nights pretty perfect. Where I felt quite happy just by looking at his face, laughing on his jokes and sharing stories. Does that happen in adult life when you are going to turn 28? How do I expect myself to know that I want to date someone? Is the person being nice, a good enough reason to date them?

I’d definitely love to get the opinion. See, I never dated in my early 20s. I was in a relationship that lasted that long, where I was mostly unhappy. After it was over, I never knew what to look for. The rush of emotions? Maybe we get those only when we chase someone? But chase, isn’t always right.

I don’t want to push the people away who genuinely like me, in order to chase after egoistic maniacs, you see? But I want to feel the butterflies, too. Tell me then, what is it – to date someone. What is it to date someone when you feel that you can actually never be in love again?

#13 Sibling Fatigue

What If you don’t get along the people with who you are supposed to?

You see movies where sisters are the very best friends. Infact, if you see around sisters usually are known to get along pretty well. But I think me and my sister never did.

The relation is so awkward after that I see her with this ass of a husband who I absolutely dislike. Even if I used to get along with her, with time the relation is only worsening and I no longer feel like putting in the efforts.

Why should it always be me? I hide all my complaints behind this smile or cheer that I portray to this world. I am tired of pretending to have a perfect smiley relationship with the couple. I adore my neice no doubt, but I fear that with time the distance is only going to widen apart.

Why the hell do I be a giddy part of a family when I am unsure if they even like me? Maybe they do, but their actions have only made me dislike them day after day after day. The reasons are plenty. Just because I am younger and their is this gen-gap that I don’t think they understand. All time they have something harsh to say about the way I act or way I think. All these years I have watched them make fun of me. Now, I am not a kid , even if I am the youngest.

I don’t wish to lie to myself anymore. I don’t wish to continue to pretend that everything is alright between me and her family. I wish to space out. I care for her, and I always will… but sometimes, I can’t help it but notice that she isn’t in my life at all. She never tried. And I am tired.

#12 Love the chase?

What you do when you feel the affection for someone in your bones?

Is this what it is to be in love? Or is it just being too close to the emotion of it. What is it when you wait for just their text to drop in your inbox? Is it really an obsession or is it real? When you listen to songs and can’t think of anyone else. When you are drunk and you want to dial their number. When even after spending your day with your friends and family, at the end of the night you wish – you wish for them to be near you, and no one else.

You may not be depressed, but life seems a little less without their presence in it. Without exchanging a glance. Without hearing their voice.

Do you always chase something you can’t easily have? What is the psychology behind it, anyways? You never appease to things or people that easily fall in your lap. You aim for the tougher. You like the struggle. You, Love the chase.

#11 Fixing the Broken Pot

My final year of MBA has taken a toll on me. I had decided to start afresh after my marriage had fallen apart at the age of 25.

Well, let me begin to make it a wee bit clear what I am talking about. Indian society may have progressed, but some households, especially the rich class in India, is against the India of wives being financially independent. Because “the guy is earning more than enough, so why do you want to work hard?” Some families are oblivious to the reasons that why a woman would want to work. When I settled early, just after college, I thought I will still get opportunities. I was wrong. So when 4 years later things didn’t work out, and I started afresh – those dreams came back to me. The dreams of earning enough myself that I wouldn’t have to answer anyone to where I spend my bucks.

Then, I enrolled in an MBA. I was proud of that. But now I continue to worry about placements and fill job applications day in and day out. I perform only average on the aptitude tests that are a priority for campus placements. The stress itself causes me fatigue for the most part. How on earth are aptitudes a way to judge someone? It takes a toll on my mind. It also makes me wonder if I am stupid enough to take big decisions in an impulse. The worse of it all? The MBA curriculum is online because of COVID 19 and I am competing with a lot of younger folks in my batch. Only a few are my age. It feels sad that them and me are going to start on the same foot.

What a waste of years, eh? So, what is the best thing I can do? I took a pause, I started this blog, and I just hope that everything shall turn out better than ever. So that I can say to myself — that I am here because of all my decisions and I am happy.